Monday, October 18, 2010

Exercise the “letting go of perfectionism” muscle

Last weekend I went to a conference on Buddhism and psychology in San Diego. Sharon Salzberg, a well known Buddhist teacher and author about mindfulness meditation and compassion said something that struck me. “”We need to learn to exercise the letting go muscle.” I believe she meant letting go of expectations of how we think things must be in order for us to be happy and accepting “what is” in the present moment, including ourselves.

As a cognitive behavioral therapist specializing in permanent weight loss, I kept listening for a way to tie this into Judith Beck’s concept of building up the resistance muscle, thinking it would be kind of neat to talk about different metaphorical muscles. Beck’s resistance muscle concept is really quite different though– it means the more you resist cravings and resist eating for reasons other than hunger, the more likely you are to lose weight and keep it off for good.
I kept listening and it occurred to me that the letting go muscle was a perfect way to talk about, well, perfectionism.
It’s hard for many dieters to stop struggling, i.e. justifying their actions with self statements like “Oh, this little bit won’t hurt”, “Just this once, it’s been a hard day-I deserve a treat.” For perfectionists it’s often “I blew it by eating the brownie, I may as well just accept I’ll always fail at dieting.” This thinking is also distorted and does not accept imperfection, an impossible standard to uphold. If you wouldn’t tell your best friend this, it’s a good rule of thumb not to tell yourself this either. It only derails your plan to be healthy.
How to let go of the struggle with emotional overeating:
  • Accept that, because you didn’t have healthier coping mechanisms, overeating once worked for you. Like a bad relationship, it’s time to move on now. After all, it’s a bad relationship with food and an unhealthy relationship with yourself.
  • Accept that it doesn’t matter what led you to use food inappropriately in the past. What matters are the choices you make right now.
  • Accept that to lose weight permanently you can no longer engage in the conflict of “Should I or shouldn’t I eat this?” Give yourself no choice but to be healthy.
  • Forgive yourself for being human and having weak moments. After all, it’s a firmly ingrained habit– it’s familiar, making it hard to let go of it.
  • Don’t punish yourself for not following your plan to the letter of thelaw. Have some flexibility.
  • Allow yourself to get back on track right now. If the struggle returns, as it likely will, be watchful to recognize it early on, notice it, and say, “Thank you, but no thank you-I don’t need you any more.”
  • Begin letting go all over again.
Some helpful methods for handling stress without food:
  • Do diaphragmatic or belly breathing to slow yourself down.
  • Slow down long enough to ask yourself the three key questions,
  • What am I thinking?
  • What am I feeling?
  • What is it I REALLY need right now?
  • Change the scenery to gain perspective.
  • Develop realistic self talk: “I’ll never win the ‘Should I, shouldn’t I struggle’ It will just distract me from taking the steps to a healthier path.” Don’t engage in the struggle.
  • Be willing to risk not being perfect. You’ll have setbacks and overcome them instead of not taking steps at all.
Are you exercising your metaphorical muscles?

Ellen is a psychotherapist in private practice in San Francisco and
Redwood City, California. She specializes in Cognitive Behavioral
Therapy and incorporates the use of mindfulness into the treatment of
depression, anxiety, and emotional overeating. She runs a holistic
weight loss program called Center for Thoughtful Weight Loss,
www.thoughtfulweightloss.com. You can email Ellen at ellen@thoughtfulweightloss.com
copyright © 2010 Ellen N. Resnick, LCSW